


Finding Home

by The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight



Series: Shadows of the Past [3]
Category: Persona 3
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Minor Original Character(s), Minor Violence, POV Akihiko, Sequel, Songfic, this one's for akihiko, time for double posting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-12-09 09:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20992898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight/pseuds/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight
Summary: 12:00am.How is it he always found himself wide awake at midnight? It was like an internal clock. Every time the clock struck twelve, Akihiko would wake up and remain awake. It never failed.He lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling through the darkness. There was only so much he could do. Call one of the others, maybe? He hated calling them this late at night, though. He always felt bad for waking them up. Despite the fact that it used to pretty much be routine. Then again, it was routine seven years ago.Wow. It had really been that long.





	1. Wishful Thinking

**Author's Note:**

> Song Used: "Too Far Gone" by The All-American Rejects

_I should warn you_

_Things you’re feeling_

_Aren’t normal now_

_Think you need me_

_It’s not easy_

_Let you go, somehow…_

(March 8th, 2010)

Akihiko had just returned to the dorm, but as soon as he saw the note in his bedroom—_You know where to meet me_—he was walking out the front door again. He made his way for the shrine because of course he knew where to meet Kirika. What he didn’t know was what this meet was going to be about.

He arrived at the shrine to find Kirika sitting at their usual bench. Her eyes were closed, as if she was thinking hard about something. He took a deep breath before taking a seat beside her.

“Funny how even with our memories temporarily wiped,” she spoke up, her eyes still shut, “our little run-in here that second time went down pretty much the exact same way it had happened the first time around.” She opened her eyes. “What do you think that means?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I think it means we’re supposed to be a part of each other’s lives. That we’re meant to be together.”

“Do you think we’re supposed to be together right now?”

“Hmm.” He didn’t like that question, but he still considered it. He then took another deep breath. “Y’know, Kiri, that night—the night the world was supposed to end—you were almost the only thing I could think about. All I wanted to do was keep you safe; I needed to know you weren’t gonna get hurt.” He paused. “Even amidst all that chaos, I realised something. I realised just how much I want to be with you. I realised how many doubts you may still have about being with someone. So…I want to prove to you just how much you mean to me. I want to prove just how much I love you.”

She smiled sheepishly. “I was afraid you were gonna say that.”

His stomach somersaulted into a cluster of knots. “Kiri—”

“If I’m being honest, Aki, this last year has been absolute hell for me,” Kirika went on. “Between the Dark Hour and Shadows and Strega and Shinji… It was just a lot of bullshit I never wanted to bother dealing with.” She paused. “I did deal with it, though. And if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t think I would’ve made it through all the way to the very end. I truly believe I would’ve taken off again after Shinji’s death. Or, better yet, after getting shot. But I stuck it out for you. I stuck _around_ for you.” Another thoughtful pause. “Although, I’m still not sure whether I stayed so I could support you, or so you could support me.”

“We’ve supported each other.”

“I know, but still…” She let out a heavy sigh. “Y’know, it was because of you I broke all my rules.” She thought for a moment. “Except the two-month rule; that one I technically broke because of Shinji.” She shook her head. “Either way, every other rule was broken because of you. And I will forever hate and love you for that.”

He swallowed hard. He didn’t want to ask his next question because he didn’t want to hear Kirika’s answer, but he knew it couldn’t be left unsaid. “Where are you going with this?”

_Now we’re too far gone_

_Hope is such a waste_

_Every breath you take_

_You give me the burden’s bitter taste…_

Thoughts were swirling through Akihiko’s head. Endless. Unfinished. He couldn’t put together a complete sentence in his own mind. So, how the hell was he supposed to respond to what was going on? There was one thing his thoughts kept going back to, though. “You made a promise to Shinji…” His voice was barely audible; he wasn’t sure if she even would’ve heard him.

“Please, don’t do that,” Kirika said. She had heard him. “Don’t throw that in my face; it’s not fair.” She sighed. “C’mon, Aki, I don’t want this to end of bad terms. I don’t want this to end at all, but this is just—it’s something I need to do.”

“You’re right.” _You’re wrong._ “I’m sorry.” _I’m not._ He took a deep breath, recomposing himself. “This is just a little hard for me. I mean, I had been expecting you to end up staying.” She didn’t even have to stay with him specifically. She didn’t have to go where he went. He just wanted to know she would be there for him when he got back.

“Well, things don’t always work out the way we plan. But if you wanna prove to me just how much I mean to you and just how much you love me—like you said—then you’ll let me do this.” She paused, swallowing hard. “You’ll let me go.”

He still refused to meet her gaze. “When do you plan on leaving?” Another question he didn’t actually want to know the answer to. When she didn’t respond, though, he finally looked up at her. “You’re leaving now, aren’t you?” _Don’t go. Not yet. Let me have one more day with you. Maybe I can convince you_—

“If I don’t, I know you’ll come up with a convincing argument to make me stay.”

He chuckled, but it was bittersweet. _Damn it, you know me just as well as I know you._ “You just gotta make everything complicated, huh?” He shook his head, shaking the thoughts and shaking the tears. “You’re so ridiculous.” He paused before getting to his feet. “All right. Let’s go. We’ll stop at the dorm so that you can say goodbye to the others, then I’ll walk you to the station.” He turned to leave.

“No,” she said.

He stopped. “No?”

She rose to her feet now, fidgeting with her shoulder bag. “I’m not very good at goodbyes. That’s why I asked you to meet me here. And honestly, I almost didn’t even do that, but I figured you at least deserved an explanation. So, I’m gonna need you to tell the others goodbye for me.”

“But…they’ll wanna see you off.”

Without another word, Kirika stepped up to Akihiko, closing the distance between the two of them. The kiss was deep, and he held onto her tightly. He kissed her back almost desperately. Because this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t be leaving… So, he memorised her in his arms. The way she was no longer afraid to fall into him. The way she gripped back. The way the spark practically made time stop. The rest of the world vanished, leaving them as the only two people who existed. It made the end of the world seem not so bad after all.

“Kiri, I—” he said once they broke apart.

“Don’t say it,” she said. “I already know.” She stepped away from him, and he could’ve sworn there was a moment of hesitation. “Just like I know, one day, Persephone will lead me back to you. Until that day, though…” She trailed off, seemingly unable to finish.

He wanted to pull her back into him. To hold onto her forever. He couldn’t, though. So, he just smiled a sad smile. “I’ll be waiting.”

_You promised that you’d stay_

_You say you wanna go_

_Your lips provide a shelter_

_For the things that I don’t know…_

Akihiko waited with Kirika at the station. He almost asked her where she was planning on going, but he knew she wouldn’t have answer. Or even if she did, she wouldn’t tell him. The entire time they waited, though, he watched her as she fidgeted with the key around her neck. She glanced over at him at one point, catching him staring. She smiled at him, and he felt as if he was going to burst. Into pieces or bolts of lightning or—He wasn’t sure what, he just knew it felt like something was ready to explode within him.

The train finally arrived, and she wasted no time getting to her feet. He followed her lead, resisting the urge to take her hand to try to stop her from leaving. But then, like she had been reading his mind, she took his hand. She kissed him again. When she broke away, he had to force himself to let her hand go. To let her go. Even if he didn’t agree with her plan, he had to let her do what she thought was right. And if she thought this was right, then so be it.

He watched as the train took off. As it disappeared beyond the city. Far past his line of sight. He watched until he knew for sure she was gone. Then he reluctantly returned to the dorm.

“Sanada-san, where’s Nishioka-san at?” Junpei greeted him. “Don’t think I’ve seen her all day.”

“Yeah, she, uhm…” He trailed off, clearing his throat. “There are still things she needs to do. Things outside the city.”

Aigis tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean—It means she left.”

The dorm fell silent. It was so quiet that Akihiko could hear the old leather watch in his pocket ticking.

“She left?” Yukari spoke up first. “How could she do that? How could she just take off? I mean, after everything we’ve been through—”

“There’s a lot she still needs to figure out,” Akihiko said.

“I’m sure she’ll be back in no time,” Ken said. “Right, Senpai?”

Now he shrugged his shoulders. “Honestly, I’m not sure exactly when she’ll be back. It’s probably gonna be a while, though.”

Ken looked almost defeated. “Oh…”

Fuuka looked to be lost in thought. “It seems odd that she would leave like that.”

Mitsuru scoffed. “I think it’s perfectly in character.”

Akihiko pursed his lips. “Don’t start.”

Her eyes widened a bit. “Are you actually defending her?”

“Yes, because I get where she’s coming from.” He let out a heavy sigh. “Maybe running away is embedded into Kirika’s lifestyle, but this time it was different. She told me what was going on. She told me goodbye. She gave me an explanation as to why she felt she needed to leave. She didn’t just take off without a word.”

“She also seemed to be quite good at lying.”

“Except you can’t say that. You didn’t know her. Not like I did. And what happened to thinking we were a good match?”

“All I’m saying is that—”

“Never mind. I don’t wanna hear it.” He shook his head. “I’m turning in early.” And he made his way up to his bedroom. He closed the door behind him and locked it. Then he dug into his desk drawer and pulled out a small box. The music box. Kirika’s music box. He couldn’t play it, but at least he had it. And she had the key. “That way we’ll always be connected,” he said to himself. “No matter how far apart we are.”

_Speak slowly_

_My heart is learning_

_Teach me heartache_

_Stop this burning now…_

(April 27th, 2010)

Akihiko fell onto his futon with a heavy sigh. He was officially moved into his new little apartment in the outskirts of Iwatodai. Now all he had to do was unpack. Sure, he didn’t have much, but it still seemed like more of a hassle than he desired. He wasn’t in the mood for organising his clothes into his bureau or mapping out the kitchen with pots and pans and dishware. All he wanted to do was try to relax. The initial act of moving had already been stressful enough.

Eventually, he forced himself to at least set up his bedroom. It was a decent sized room for a decent sized apartment, courtesy of Kirijo. Of course. He was starting to feel like she would always be there to accommodate his needs. He knew he shouldn’t complain; he should be grateful. He was just growing weary of feeling like he would always owe her something in return for her…charity.

He carried the two small boxes marked _bedroom_ to his new room. The first one he opened contained sheets and blankets. He’d have to pick up fresh ones soon. His alarm clock was also in that box, as well as his personal first aid kit. He put both those items on his bedside table before opening the second box. And as soon as he did, he froze.

Right on top was the music box. Taking a deep breath, he picked it up and sat down on his bed. He placed it on his lap and simply stared it.

Over a month had passed since Kirika’s departure. He was still adjusting to not seeing her every single day. Hell, not being able to check up on her was turning out to be a lot more difficult than he had anticipated. It wasn’t until she left that he had realised just how much of an impact she had made on his life. On his daily routine. She had become such a normal part of it, after all. Not knowing her whereabouts now was—It was almost just like how it had been when Shinjiro had left the group. Except the only difference was that he knew where to find Shinjiro if he had really needed to. He had no idea where Kirika could be, though.

After wasting too long sitting with the music box in his lap, he got up and placed it atop his empty bureau. He then returned to his bed and lay down. He hated how he had been feeling since Kirika left. Dwelling on her departure like it was some sort of disease. It was consuming every aspect of his life. He didn’t like it. Mitsuru, Ken, and the others didn’t like it. And he knew Kirika wouldn’t like it. He knew she would blame herself. It wasn’t her fault, though. It was his own fault. And he knew if Shinjiro was still around, he’d be calling him an idiot. Telling him to move on. Tch. Easier said than done.

Akihiko loved Kirika. Maybe he had never been in love before, but he knew he loved her. There was no doubt in his mind. He still didn’t doubt her feelings, either. But that didn’t change the fact that she was gone now. She had been a constant in his life for at least eight months, yet it felt as if she left as quickly as she had shown up. It felt like he had had no time with her at all. Hmm. Maybe he had taken advantage of his time with her without even realising it.

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had to stop thinking about all this. About her. It wasn’t helping anyone. Certainly not himself.

_Wishful thinking_

_Patience shrinking_

_Bliss is far away_

_North is calling_

_Now I’m falling_

_At your feet, please stay…_

His eyes shot open to find himself surrounded by darkness. He turned his head to see the form of a silhouette lying still beside him. His brow furrowed as he reached out a hand. But as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, the silhouette vanished. He swallowed hard, his hand still hovering midair, trembling. Damn it…

Akihiko pushed himself out of bed, moving towards the kitchen. He turned every light on as he went, casting away every shadow. Every silhouette.

Once he made it into the kitchen, he checked the time. 10:26. He had slept for about five hours. No wonder he was so hungry. He opened the fridge, pulling out one of his many protein shakes. It was all he currently had available to him. He’d worry about getting real food in the morning. For now, this would be enough. Hmm. And maybe some coffee.

As he waited for the coffee to brew, he grabbed his phone, still sitting on the table by his front door from that afternoon. He had a few texts from Junpei wondering if he wanted to go out somewhere. _No thanks_. A text from Mitsuru asking how he had settled into the new place. He originally figured he would respond to it in the morning, but then he saw that he also had about three missed calls from her. So, he decided it’d be best to call her back rather than chance her breaking down his door in the middle of the night.

“Akihiko, where have you been?” she greeted him. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all evening.”

“Sorry, I fell asleep,” he said. “What’s up?”

“I only wanted to make sure everything was to your liking.”

“Yeah, everything’s perfect.”

“C’est magnifique.”

“Was that all?”

“Oh. Uhm, yes, I believe that was all. Unless something is bothering you.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Just got a lot on my mind.”

She paused. “Still thinking about Nishioka?”

“I don’t wanna talk to you about her.”

“Excuse me?”

“You have nothing good to say.”

“That’s because there isn’t anything good to say.” She sighed. “You must stop defending her, Akihiko. She made it quite clear that, no matter what, sometimes people can’t change. She had an opportunity and she passed it up. She had love and she gave it up. She let it go. It’s time you do, as well.”

Now he clenched his jaw. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that.”

“Akihiko, please—”

“I’m tired. Talk to you later.” With that, he hung up, resisting the urge to throw his phone down. “Damn it, Kiri… Why’d I let you go?”

He thought he knew why, but the more he tried to figure it out, the less answers he came up with. Was it possible to love someone too much? To the point where they feel almost too overwhelmed by it. Perhaps it was just because it was Kirika. Because she had never been used to someone loving her so fiercely. So, maybe it was for the best for him to back off.

Or maybe he had to prove them both wrong.

_Now we’re too far gone_

_Hope is such a waste_

_Every breath you take_

_You give me the burden’s bitter taste…_

(August 11th, 2010)

Five months after her leaving, and Akihiko had managed to track down the town Kirika was currently residing in. He wasn’t necessarily proud of it, but he had to see her again. When he noticed she was none too happy with him, though, he only felt even more guilty than he had to begin with.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he prompted.

“I’m sure it’s what I need to do,” she said. “Are you really having that hard of a time with this?”

“I just…I don’t like the idea of you being on your own again.”

“It’s been five months and I’m still alive.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m fine on my own.”

He wanted to believe her. He really did. But he couldn’t help but notice a scar under her right collarbone. A scar he was almost positive wasn’t there before she left. “What’s that scar on your chest?” He might as well call her out on it. What else did he have to lose?

She froze, touching the scar in question before shaking her head. “I dunno. It’s nothing. I caught myself on a broken fence a couple months ago.”

That he couldn’t believe. “A fence? Really?”

Now she let out a heavy sigh. “Look, I ain’t gonna ask how you found me, but I am gonna ask that you don’t track me down again.”

“Let me stay with you. I can hold off going to school for a while longer and—”

“That’ll defeat the whole purpose of this, Aki. I mean, hell, I thought I explained it to you. I thought I had made it clear.”

He clenched his jaw, swallowing hard. “Yeah, I thought so, too, but then I thought more on it and…” He shook his head. It was getting harder for him to keep his composure with every word spoken between them. “And I guess I don’t get it, after all. I mean, you said you built some sort of codependency around me, but I—I just don’t see it. You’re the most independent person I know.”

She paused, pursing her lips. “Y’know, I thought I was the one who needed this, but it seems we could both benefit from it. I told you not to rely so much on me.”

“What’s wrong with depending on someone?”

“Nothing. There is something wrong, though, with relying on someone to be your source of happiness and motivation. It’s…unhealthy. We both need to be able to thrive on our own.” She chuckled sheepishly. “You bring out the best in me, Aki, but,” she lifted her gaze upward, “there’s still a better version of myself out there. And I deserve the chance to find that better version. Just like you deserve the chance to find the better parts of you, as well.”

He was struggling to keep his voice steady. To keep himself from shouting. “But if I bring out the best in you, then wouldn’t it make sense for me to—?”

She shook her head. “It doesn’t work like that. And I really need you to stop fighting me on this. Please.”

“I’ll always fight for us.” The words came out before he could stop them.

“Tch. You’re too damn stubborn for your own good.”

He smiled, but it didn’t last long. He just couldn’t bring himself to keep it. It was almost too painful. “So, this is truly what you want?”

“No. I never said anything about wanting this. But that doesn’t change the fact that I need it. Just like I need you to understand.”

He took a deep breath before nodding his head. “I’m sorry. I tried to understand, but the more I thought about it—” _the less sense it made_ “—the more I missed you.”

She swallowed hard. “You need to leave, Aki. Go back to Iwatodai. Go home. Live your life. Be normal. Then, when the time is right, we’ll meet again. We’ll find each other.”

Yeah, right. Akihiko usually thought of himself as optimistic, but even that didn’t sound realistic. “Don’t tell me you truly believe it’ll be that simple.”

“Guess we’ll find out when that day comes.”

“Or doesn’t.” Damn it. He shouldn’t have said that.

“If you wanna think that way, fine. Doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave.”

That wasn’t good enough. There was still so much more he wanted to say, but he was at a loss for words. So, he chose to just walk away from Kirika. He walked away from her and forced himself to keep his head forward. He had no idea when he would see her again and he hated that. But he had to, somehow, make himself believe this was for the better.

He knew he was only fooling himself.

_You promised that you’d stay_

_You say you wanna go_

_Your lips provide a shelter_

_For the things that I don’t know…_

(December 31st, 2010/January 1st, 2011)

Akihiko was far from Iwatodai on New Year’s Eve. Hell, he was out of the country on New Year’s Eve. After his meet with Kirika, he decided to do some traveling of his own. And it didn’t take long for him to realise the appeal of it. Of course, he knew she traveled for a very different reason, but that didn’t change much. He just knew he enjoyed it to the point where he started traveling out of Japan.

He wasn’t sure exactly which city he was in now. All he knew was that there was a giant crowd of people in the city square celebrating the countdown into the new year. So, he joined the mass in the countdown.

Huh. Nothing like being surrounded by strangers for the holidays.

Everyone was loud. Speaking a language that he didn’t understand. But the unknown only sent a thrill down his spine. And despite not understanding, he was smart enough to figure out when the countdown officially started.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Cheers filled the air. Cries of joy. Laughter. People hugged and kissed. Akihiko even got a few pats on the back from drunken strangers.

Soon enough, he removed himself from the crowd, the noise getting to be a bit too much for him. As he turned a street corner, he bumped into someone.

“I am so sorry,” he said. He shook his head at himself. “Damn it, I have this bad habit of not paying attention to where I’m going.” He finally looked at the young woman he had ran into. “You probably don’t understand a word of what I’m saying.”

“I actually do,” she said. She smiled. “I’m a Japanese language and literature major.”

“Oh. Go figure.”

She laughed. “For the record, though, I wasn’t paying much attention, either.”

He laughed as well. “I still apologise. Uhm—”

“Ren,” she said. “My name is Ren.”

“Akihiko.”

“Doesn’t that mean…_prince_ or something?”

“Not quite.”

“Damn it. Well, I am still learning. I’m pretty fluent in the language itself, but there are still some things I trip up on.”

“I guess I can excuse that mistranslation, then.”

She laughed some more. “Okay, uh…weird question, but I figure I might as well take a chance.” She breathed deep. “Are you with anyone? Because I’m alone and was thinking maybe we could grab a bite to eat together.”

Now he paused. “Oh. Uhm.” His head dropped. “Sorry, but I’m not so sure about that. I mean, I have—”

“You have a girlfriend back home?”

The words caught in his throat. No, he didn’t have a girlfriend. Kirika—She was no longer his…whatever she had been. He wasn’t even sure what she had considered them. If she had used the terms _boyfriend_ and _girlfriend_ for the two of them with other people. Hell, why was he even thinking about that? About her? He was supposed to be traveling to let go. To move on. To forget.

“Are you feeling all right?” Ren spoke up.

Akihiko shook his head. “Yeah, sorry.” Another pause. “I, uh, don’t know what that was about. I don’t…have a girlfriend. And I would love to grab a bite to eat with you.”

A smile popped back on her face. “Great. I know this awesome place not too far from here. Let’s go.”

He took a deep breath before he started walking with this new stranger. This was the first step, and he had to take it sooner or later. When better to start than the new year? New year, new beginnings. A fresh start.

_Speak slowly_

_My heart is learning_

_Teach me heartache_

_Stop this burning…_

(March 8th, 2011)

The day started out like any other normal day. Akihiko woke up early. He went out for a run. He went to the gym. He jogged back to his apartment. By the time he returned, Ren was awake and had made coffee. She was on break from school and staying with him for the entire duration of it. And it was good. The last two months with her had been good. That was the thing, though. It had only been good.

“Good morning,” she greeted him.

He smiled. “Morning.” He kissed her cheek. “How’d you sleep?”

“Not bad.” She watched him as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “So, your friend Kirijo stopped by.”

He froze. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” She paused. “You haven’t told anyone about me yet.” It was more of a statement than it was a question.

He swallowed hard before clearing his throat. “It’s only been two months.”

“That’s a pretty long time, Akihiko. Long enough where you should’ve already told your friends about me.”

“C’mon, do we really have to get into this right now?”

Her eyes widened. “Yes. We do. Why wouldn’t you tell your friends about me?”

“Because I don’t talk to them often and I rarely ever see them anymore. It’s not that big a deal. Why are you freaking out?”

“Wow. Really?”

He let out a heavy sigh. “Look, Ren, I’m not good with relationships. Okay? I don’t know what’s right and wrong. Just…cut me some slack, yeah?”

She pursed her lips, nodding. “Fine.”

“What did Kirijo even want?”

“She said she was just checking in on you. Nothing more.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno. Seemed kinda strange to me.” With that, she moved to the futon and turned the TV on.

Akihiko didn’t watch the news much anymore. Hell, he got enough of it in high school. Of course, he knew he couldn’t avoid it completely. It was good to know what was going on in the country. In the world. When Ren turned the TV on, though, he knew instantly why Mitsuru had stopped by. Why she had wanted to check up on him.

It was March 8th.

Shit. It had been a full year since Kirika took off. And that shouldn’t have mattered, but… Damn it, it did. It mattered. And it hurt. In that single moment of hearing the date spoken, he finally understood just how real her departure was. He finally understood that the day they would meet again may not actually arrive.

“Akihiko, you still with me?” Ren spoke up.

He shook his head, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he made his way for his bedroom. He dug into his bureau and pulled out a small music box. With it, he took a seat on the edge of his bed.

“Akihiko?” Ren said, having followed him. “What is that?”

“A music box,” he said. “Except…I don’t have the key to open it.”

“Did you lose it?”

He swallowed hard. “I lost the person who has it.”

Her brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

Damn it. Why did she still have this effect on him? He wanted to be over it, but he just—He couldn’t help his feelings. He couldn’t shake them. And the truth of the matter was, he still loved Kirika. He wasn’t sure now if he would ever stop loving her.

“I was in love with her,” he spoke up, his voice soft. Cracking.

“Excuse me?” She stuttered for a moment. “You told me you had never been in a serious relationship before. Being in love with someone sounds pretty serious to me.”

“I’m sorry, I just—” He was at a loss for words. “It had ended so abruptly. And it’s just—it’s complicated. I thought I was doing better, but…” He shook his head. “Then I met you, and I thought maybe you could help me get over her.”

“So…I’ve been nothing more than rebound?”

“What? No, it’s not like that. Not even close.”

“Whether you meant it to be or not, that’s exactly what this has been.”

He sighed, his thumb tracing the edge of the music box. Perhaps she was right. “This isn’t gonna work, Ren,” he then told her. “I’m sorry, but you’ll be better off getting out of this now.”

“Tch.” She instantaneously grabbed her bag and started packing up her belongings. “Whatever. At least I’m finding out now and not another six months down the road.” She slung her bag over her shoulder. “I’d rather only waste two.”

“I’m sorry—”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

Akihiko followed her as she stormed out of the room. “Let me at least pay for your travel expenses.”

“Don’t do me any favours.”

“Ren, please—”

“Y’know, I thought you were a nice guy.”

He wanted to argue that he was, but he didn’t feel like such a good guy in that moment. So, he only let out an exasperated sigh. “These weren’t my intentions.”

“Well, it was shitty of you either way.” And she left, the door slamming behind her.

Maybe Akihiko should’ve gone after her. Maybe he should’ve told Ren about Kirika from the get-go. Maybe he never should’ve mentioned her at all. Maybe he should’ve moved on months ago. Maybe he shouldn’t have returned to his bedroom with the music box. The music box. The last connection he had with Kirika. And that was only if she still had the key.

He set the small box aside. This was getting out of hand. It had been an entire year and Kirika still had a tremendous effect on him. He still treated her like she was a huge part of his life. She wasn’t even in his life anymore. She was gone. Long gone. And she wasn’t returning anytime soon. It was time for him to accept that. It was time for him to come to terms with it. He needed to create a life of his own. A life that didn’t revolve around her. Or anyone else, for that matter.

It was time to let go.

_Please speak slowly_

_My heart is learning_

_Teach me heartache_

_Stop this burning now…_

(June 15th, 2011)

Akihiko awoke from a dead slumber to the loud crack of thunder outside his window. He lay still in his bed as he listened to the pouring rain, accompanied by a few flashes of lightning. He used to enjoy the rain. Heavy storms. Ever since the typhoon—

He shook his head as he threw the covers off himself. It was suddenly way too hot for his liking. After another moment, he slipped out of bed and made his way for the kitchen. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned the faucet on. He just needed some cold water. That’s it. Then he’d feel better.

Except he didn’t.

He stepped up to the window to look out over the city. It was alive as ever, despite the rain. That was when he finally checked the time. Ugh. Three o’clock in the morning. He shouldn’t be awake. Not when he’d have to be up for the day in just another two and a half hours. Hmm. He glanced back out towards the city below him. It was the middle of June, but rain always added a chill to the air. He couldn’t help but hope that Kirika was somewhere with a roof over her head. Somewhere warm and comfortable. Somewhere within reach.

Tch. What was he going on about? There was no way in hell she was anywhere close to Iwatodai or any of the surrounding cities. Why would she be? But that was okay. And he would continue telling himself that until he believed it. Until every girl he saw out of the corner of his eye stopped looking just like her. Until the silhouettes and shadows stopped taking on her form.

He let out a heavy sigh as he finally turned away from the window. Typically, on nights like this, he would go out for a run to tire himself out. With the rain, though, he couldn’t really do that tonight. Well, he supposed he could, but then he’d most likely get sick and that would only come with a headache and a lecture from Kirijo. He didn’t need either of those. The lectures alone made him sick.

Another flash of lightning caught his attention. It caused him to reminisce. He had grown used to living without a lot of things. The Dark Hour. Tartarus. Caesar. He was even used to not having Shinjiro around anymore. He still missed him like hell, of course, but he also understood that that wouldn’t bring him back. So why couldn’t be bring himself to understand that same concept when it came to Kirika? Why couldn’t he get used to not having her around anymore? Why did he have to be so caught up on her? Every time he thought he was getting better—

He took a deep breath as he sat down on the futon. Thinking about her always made his head spin. It made him dizzy.

As much as Akihiko wanted to believe they would meet again someday, he didn’t want to spend his life depending on that day to come. And he knew she wouldn’t want him to spend his life that way, either. He knew damn well she wanted him to move on. To get over her. How was he supposed to do that, though? She made it sound like it would be so easy. Tch. There was nothing easy about this. There was nothing easy about constantly wondering and worrying where she was and if she was safe. Healthy. Happy.

He had been telling himself for months now that it was time to finally let go. Yet here he was, still hanging on. Maybe even tighter than before. Huh. Kirika was right. This wasn’t healthy. It was toxic. And it was time for him to rid his body of the venom. It was time for him to get clean.

_Please speak slowly_

_My heart is learning_

_Teach me heartache_

_Stop this burning…_

(September 22nd, 2011)

“Do you really like this girl, Senpai?” Ken asked as he watched Akihiko get ready for the day ahead of him. “Like, a lot?”

Akihiko chuckled a bit. “I dunno. I guess. It’s been barely a month, so it’s still a little too early to decide.”

“Well, I just figured you must like her a lot seeing as you’ve chosen to spend your entire birthday with her rather than any of us.”

Right. It was Akihiko’s twentieth birthday and he was spending it at Hagakure with some girl he had been seeing for almost a month now. She was nice enough. Maybe not the brightest girl out there, but definitely one of the sweetest. Which was surprising, seeing as he met her on a blind date setup by none other than Iori. He had been iffy about the idea at first, but his Kohai wouldn’t stop nagging him about it, so he finally gave in. And now, here he was.

“Don’t think anything of it,” he said. “I accidentally let it slip to her that my birthday was coming up and she insisted we do something. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing anything to celebrate today.”

He nodded his head. “Guess she likes you a lot, huh?”

Now he let out a short, exasperated sigh. “I dunno. Maybe.”

“Hmm. Dating seems hard.”

“Yeah, well, even though I’m not the best person to come to for dating advice, promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Do not go to Iori.”

Ken laughed at this. “Don’t worry. That won’t be a difficult promise to keep.”

He smiled. “Good.”

He fell quiet as he continued watching his Senpai. Something seemed to be on his mind, though, and Akihiko waited for him to come out with it. Ken tilted his head thoughtfully as he turned his gaze down. “Do you…think about her still?”

He froze for a moment before shaking his head. “Of course I do.” No point in lying to the kid or himself. “But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone.”

“She could still come back.”

He shook his head. “It’s been a year and a half. She’s not coming back. She said we might meet again one day, but not that she would come back on her own accord. And maybe she’s right. Maybe we will cross paths again someday, but that doesn’t mean things will be the same. That doesn’t mean we’ll just—” He let out a heavy sigh. “By the time we see each other again, we could be two completely different people. I mean, it could be another ten years from now.”

“Hmm.” Ken’s gaze was still turned down. “I’m sorry, but I still think you two are meant to be together.”

Akihiko couldn’t help the small smile. “Thanks, but don’t let Kirijo or the others hear you say that.”

“I still don’t understand how they were able to go from being Nishioka-san’s friend to hating her so quickly. It doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t seem fair. I mean, Nishioka-san is the one who’s alone now. I’m sure she’s hurting just as much.”

“Can’t know for sure.”

“You don’t think she misses you?”

Tch. He wasn’t sure what to think anymore. That was why he tried so hard not to think about her at all. Not that that always worked to his advantage. “We should stop talking about this,” he said. “I need to get going if I wanna make it on time.”

Ken looked glum. “If you say so…” He smiled, but Akihiko knew the kid well enough to know it was forced. “Have a nice time, Senpai.”

_Please speak slowly_

_My heart is learning_

_Teach me heartache_

_Stop this burning now_

The afternoon was simple, to say the least. The conversation was simple. The beef bowl as good as always. His date did most of the talking, which Akihiko didn’t mind. Words still weren’t his strong suit, so it was a relief being with someone who could fill the silence on their own. Especially when the silence was usually uncomfortable.

It was when the silence became more and more unavoidable that he decided to call it a night. He paid the check, letting his date finish one last story about—About the guy she dated before him and how he had treated her like a princess. Huh. Well, if that wasn’t awkward, then he wasn’t sure what was. But he shook it off and listened anyway. That was the polite thing to do. When she finally finished, they wrapped things up and made their way out of the restaurant.

He breathed deep as soon as he stepped outside, the crisp air filling his lungs. It was the most refreshing feeling. He then waited on his date, placing a hand on the small of her back once she was outside as well. As soon as he touched her, she started telling him yet another story. He blinked a couple times, watching her intently as he tried to focus on her words. He smiled and nodded, but he couldn’t actually process any of what she was saying. Damn it, why was he so tired all of a sudden?

After what seemed like the longest five minutes of his life, she stopped talking and started walking. He shook his head and looked around the immediate area. And when he did, he froze. He spotted a familiar figure who had quickly turned away from him as soon as he looked in their direction. The person’s hood was up, covering their face. He couldn’t help the smile twitching to life at the corners of his lips. Could it be…? He took a half step forward when he was brought back to reality.

“Akihiko?” his date said. “Are you feeling okay?”

He shook his head as he stopped himself and looked over at her. “Oh. Y-yeah, I’m fine. Just…thought I saw someone I used to know. Turns out it was only a stranger.”

“We should get going, then.”

“Right behind you.”

She started walking again, and Akihiko looked back over his shoulder. The person was still standing in the exact same spot with their hood pulled up. He resisted the strong urge to walk over to them. To call out the name on the tip of his tongue. He fought the urge and, somehow, he won. He took another deep breath before turning to catch up with his date.

This was good. Maybe he was getting better, after all. Maybe he truly was moving on. It hadn’t been easy—far from—but it was what _she_ wanted. So, it was what he was doing. And after struggling for as long as he had, he realised how badly he needed this. He really did need the independence just as much as she did. Even if her reasoning had been utter bullshit. That was beside the point, though. The point was that he needed to be better. He needed to learn how to meet new people and not compare them to her. He needed to learn to protect himself. Sure, he was strong physically, but he needed that same strength for his mentality. His emotions. Once he learned how to rely on himself for defence rather than just offence, well…

Maybe then he would have a fighting chance.


	2. Warning Sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "I Found" by Amber Run

_And I’ll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind_

_And I’ll use you as a focal point_

_So, I don’t lose sight of what I want…_

(July 18th, 2012)

Akihiko was nodding his head so much, he was starting to fear it might pop off. The girl he was on a date with was nice and all, but… Damn, she would not shut up. When girls talked this much, it always gave him a headache. All the nodding didn’t help, either.

“What do you think?” she then said.

He blinked a couple times. “What?”

“What do you think I should?”

“Oh, uhm…” He swallowed hard. _Shit, the one time I don’t pay attention and she’s asking for advice_. “I think you should, uh…just do what feels right to you. I mean, you should never stray too far from who you are, no matter what. It’s always good to stay true to yourself, especially during such trying times. So…yeah, do whatever you feel is right.” It was the absolute most generic advice he could give.

Her eyes widened like it was some revelation. “Oh my gosh, you are so brilliant, Sanada-san.” She smiled. “Thank you so much.”

He returned the smile half-heartedly. “No problem.”

With that, he asked for the check. He was more than ready to call it a night. Especially now that his date was running her mouth again. He rubbed at his temples as he tried his damnedest to keep up with what she was going on about. Then again, he shouldn’t have been complaining. Talking was better than silence because silence was always weird and awkward. He’d yet to meet another girl who he felt comfortable around in complete and utter silence. A girl whose company he could enjoy without feeling like he needed to fill the air with mindless conversation.

Once he paid and they left the restaurant, he walked his date back to her apartment. Now it was quiet. It was always bad when the girl ran out of things to say. He was terrible with small talk, so he rarely even bothered trying. Akihiko would only try when he really felt a connection with the girl. And that was also rare.

“I had fun tonight,” she said as they stepped up to her door.

“Yeah, me too,” he said, trying to keep the exasperation cleared from his tone.

She fumbled for her keys in her clutch. “Uhm, would you like to come inside for a cup of coffee?”

“Thanks, but I can’t. I have work first thing in the morning.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” She thought for a moment, biting her bottom lip. “Maybe we could do this again tomorrow night, then?”

“Maybe.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll shoot you a text if I have time to hang out.”

She smiled again. “Great. I’ll be looking forward to it.”

Her keys were in the lock, yet she lingered outside the door. Damn it, she wanted him to kiss her. Akihiko had been on enough dates by now to know when a girl wanted him to kiss her. Most of the dates had been forced. Kirijo and Iori and Takeba getting sick of him dwelling over—Tch. Either way, when they were forced, they ended badly. There was no way around it. But that didn’t stop them from introducing him to girl after girl after girl. So, now he was almost an expert at picking up on those little signals he never cared about noticing before. She wanted him to kiss her. He wasn’t going to kiss her.

He took a step back and bowed his head. “Thank you for coming out with me tonight. I’ll be in touch.”

“O-okay.” She was no longer smiling. “Goodnight, Sanada-san.” And she finally entered her apartment.

He waited for the door to close before letting out a heavy sigh and walking away. There was a good chance he wasn’t going to reach out to this girl again. Sure, she had been nice and all, but there was no connection. Didn’t help that he couldn’t stand when girls asked him into their apartment on the first date. Whether it truly was just for coffee or whether it was for something…more. Didn’t make a difference. And most girls did ask him, so second dates were another rarity.

It was gonna be a long walk home. It was still relatively early, and it was nice out. Warm air. Soft breeze. He loved this kind of weather. Plus, he knew someone would be waiting for him at his apartment to ask how the date went. He didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, though. So, he was going to take his sweet ass time getting home to get the point across. He shut his phone down, as well.

This was the comfortable silence he needed. And apparently, he needed someone to enjoy it with. But the only person he could think of—the only person he didn’t want to think about—was long gone.

_And I’ve moved further than I thought I could_

_But I missed you more than I thought I would_

_And I’ll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind…_

(November 5th, 2013)

It was freezing. Akihiko hated the cold. He hated even more that it was the gentlemanly thing to do to give his coat to his equally cold date. Equally cold. Not _more_ cold. Equally. Now he had to suffer because she couldn’t bring her own jacket. Hell, the cold was even making him petty.

“Y’know, I was kinda unsure about this at first,” she started, “but I’m really glad I agreed to it. I honestly can’t remember the last time a guy was sweet enough to give me his coat.” She beamed at him. “Most guys just tell me to suck it up or say that I should’ve brought my own jacket.” She shook her head. “They’re so rude.”

He sighed to himself. _Damn it…_ Now he felt like a jackass. “It’s not a problem,” he said. “I still have longer sleeves on, at least. You had your shoulders bared, though.”

She smiled. “Thanks.”

They continued their way down the nearly empty sidewalk. It was still early, but it was so cold that everyone had probably opted to stay inside rather than go out tonight. He was almost starting to feel the same way.

“Again, I really am glad I decided to go out with you tonight,” she said. “These things hardly ever go well.”

Blind dates. It was a blind date setup by Iori. Hell, Akihiko had been extremely against the idea at first, too. Partly because he had simply never been fond of the concept of blind dates. Mainly because it was _Iori_ doing the planning. But his Kohai ended up making some stupidly good point that he couldn’t ignore or say no to. So, here he was. On a blind date with a girl of Junpei Iori’s choosing and, despite the cold, it had turned out to be one of the much better dates he had been on over the last few months.

“The movie was great,” she went on. “What did you think about it?”

Akihiko shrugged his shoulders. “It was intriguing, I guess. A little lackluster towards the end.”

She stopped in her tracks. “Excuse me? The ending was the best part.”

“You’re kidding, right? The climax fell completely flat.”

Her eyes widened. “Fell flat? Did we watch the same movie? Every single question had been given an answer by the end. Every plot-hole was fixed. Every cliffhanger resolved. It was incredible.”

“Yeah, incredibly simple. They did all that in the least creative way possible. Seriously, the best part of the ending was knowing it was the ending.”

“Oh, you could not be more wrong.”

They then spent the rest of the walk debating the movie they had just watched earlier that evening. Going over the different plot points and storylines and character development—or lack thereof. By the time they made it back to the date’s apartment complex, they were still discussing it.

“This conversation isn’t over yet,” she said. “Actually, we’re gonna see this move again. You always pick up more details during the second viewing, after all.”

“You’re that determined to prove me wrong?”

“Uh, hell yeah.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. He admired that about her. “Fine. It’s a date, then.”

She smiled. “Good.” She headed into her apartment. “I can’t wait to prove you wrong.” And she closed the door in his face.

He pursed his lips. “Oh, we’ll see about that,” he said through the door.

“Goodnight.”

He shook his head at her, still chuckling as he walked away. It wasn’t until he got outside that he noticed two things: They had made plans for a second date, and she still had his jacket. He paused, looking back at the complex. Determined. Argumentative. Little bit of an attitude. Maybe things could work out with this girl. Maybe he could be comfortably silent with her. Maybe she met all the marks.

_Oh, and I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me_

_And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me…_

(February 7th, 2014)

“All right, what are your plans for Valentine’s Day, Sanada-san?” Junpei prompted after being handed a can a beer and cracking it open.

Akihiko shook his head. “I don’t have any plans.”

“Huh? The hell you mean you don’t—? What happened with the girl I set you up with a few months ago?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard.”

His eyes grew even wider. “Heard what? Last I heard, you were still dating her.”

He sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, things were pretty good at first. We got along fine, but there was something a bit off about her. If I didn’t do something nice for her right away, like…lend her my jacket or whatever, she would mention some past boyfriend and how he never did said thing because he was a prick or whatever.” He shrugged with a shake of his head. “I dunno, it was some weird form of manipulation. I was over it, though, so I met up with her and I told her it wasn’t gonna work out between us. Know what she said to that?”

“What did she say?”

“She told me no.”

“No?”

“She literally would not let me break up with her.”

Junpei started laughing. “Holy shit.”

“It’s not funny. This went on for weeks. It got to the point where I actually asked Yukari to pose as my fake girlfriend.”

“You made her think you were cheating?”

“I know. It sounds terrible, and I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I was desperate. I didn’t know what else to do. It worked, though, and I got her to finally broke up with me instead. Haven’t heard from her since.” He shook his head again. “Remind me to never go on a blind date setup by you ever again.”

“I would take offence to that, but that is pretty bad.”

“No kidding.”

He paused before sitting forward. “Come out with me, then.”

Akihiko got to his feet, moving back into the small kitchen. “I am not going with you to one of your grimy bars. Not my scene.”

“They’re not even that grimy. And it’d be good to get you out of your comfort zone.”

“You, Mitsuru, and Yukari have been forcing me on dates for months now. Trust me, you have pushed me well out of my comfort zone.”

“Huh. Is this about something else? Or some_one_ else?”

He almost spilt the coffee he was pouring all over the counter. “Excuse me?”

“I’ve seen some of the girls you’ve dated, Sanada-san. They’ve looked a decent amount like Nishioka.”

“Don’t even go there.”

“C’mon, you know it’s true. You’re still looking for her in every girl you date.”

He clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to be having this conversation. He had been doing so well with not thinking about her. And now… Tch. “That doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be looking for her? Why would I do that to myself?”

“I dunno. Maybe because you still miss her?”

Akihiko paused, gripping his mug. He refused to admit that. “Why the hell would I miss her?”

“Why are you raising your voice?”

“Because you’re being ridiculous, damn it. I do not miss her. I have no reason to miss her. She’s the one who left. She’s the one who lied.”

“Then why are you getting so defensive?”

Now he was at a loss for words. But he still refused to admit it.

“I know this isn’t what Kirijo-san or Yukari would say, but,” Junpei went on, “I think it’s okay to miss her.”

He swallowed hard, relaxing a bit. “Y-you do?”

“Yeah. I mean, I still miss Chidori.”

“That’s a little different.”

“So? Nishioka was the first girl you ever loved. Of course you’re gonna miss her.”

“I don’t want…to miss her.”

“Well, that seems a little harsh, don’t ya think?”

“Harsh? What? Do you think she really misses me right now?”

“I think she changed during her time with the group, and I think most of those changes were because of you. So, wherever she may be right now, yes, I firmly believe she misses you, too.”

“Tch.” He shook his head. “You’ve been spending too much time with Amada.”

Now he laughed. “C’mon, put the coffee down and have a beer with me.”

Akihiko sighed. _Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea_. “Fine.” He dumped the coffee into the sink. “It was cold anyway.” He then grabbed another can of beer from the fridge and rejoined his Kohai on the futon.

It was gonna be a long night, but maybe that would be okay.

_And I’ll use you as a makeshift gauge_

_Of how much to give and how much to take_

_Oh, I’ll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind…_

(August 24th, 2014)

Akihiko stepped into his apartment with a heavy sigh. That had to have been the worst first date yet. Almost everything about the girl had reminded him so much of—Ugh. Straight down to her birthday. He had been down that road once before, he refused to go down it again. Even if it was with some new stranger.

Strangers. It still killed him to think about how they had become strangers all over again. That if they passed each other on the street, they might not even acknowledge each other. He would want to, but he wouldn’t let himself. Maybe if she approached him first… Hell, who was he kidding? She would never do such a thing. He was certain she would avoid him completely.

Damn it. What was he doing? Why was he going on about some hypothetical situation? He shook his head and moved towards the kitchen to grab a beer. Then he changed his mind and decided to make a protein shake instead. Hmm. Maybe he would go out for a run, too.

Once he made the shake, he downed it. Then his phone was going off.

“Yo,” he greeted the person on the other end.

“What happened?” Mitsuru said.

Shit. He had almost forgotten Mitsuru had set him up on this particular date. “I dunno.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It just didn’t work. We didn’t click.”

“And why not?”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

“The truth.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Her name is not Kirika.”

He froze, his eyes widening. Right. He had gotten into some stupid argument about tarot readings and paranormal activities with the girl and accidentally addressed her as Kirika. She then proceeded to hit him repeatedly.

“For the record,” he started, “if she was hitting me on the first date then she probably would’ve hit me later on down the road.”

Mitsuru breathed deep. “I cannot believe you’re still thinking about Nishioka.”

“I can’t believe you set me up with someone who’s so much like her.”

“Excuse me? She is nothing—”

“She’s into tarot readings and palm readings. All that stupid paranormal bullshit. Both her parents are gone. No siblings. She comes up with these crazy theories that don’t even make any sense. Tch. At least Kirika’s had backbone to them. And at least Kirika wasn’t violent. Oh, her birthday is also in October.”

“Stop comparing every single girl you meet to Nishioka.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Yes, Akihiko, you do. For everything good and everything bad.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna date someone who’s into tarot and palm readings and has an October birthday.”

“Don’t be so ridiculous.”

“Fine. Then I’m not gonna date a girl who hits me.”

“She only hit you because you called her by another girl’s name.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good enough excuse.”

She scoffed. “I cannot believe you.”

“Can’t say I’m really in the mood to be chastised.”

“She is a perfectly nice girl.”

“And she’s just like Kirika, so I think I’ll pass. Thanks anyway, though.” And he hung up the phone.

He stepped back and fell into one of the kitchen chairs behind him. He then dropped his head into his hands. Maybe the others thought he was being ridiculous. He knew he was keeping himself safe. Sane. No tarot readings. No palm readings. No October birthdays. Three simple rules.

They might as well have been his mantra.

_Oh, and I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me_

_And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me…_

(January 12th, 2015)

Akihiko walked out of the station only to be hit by a strong gust of ice-cold wind. It took him a short moment to recompose himself before he raised his shoulders, hunching over and stuffing his hands deep into his pockets. He then braced himself for his walk back to his apartment, which suddenly seemed way too far away.

As he walked, he kept his head down. He remained aware of the people around him by watching their feet, but he was really on the lookout for black ice. The last thing he needed was to slip and fall and, with his luck, break an elbow or collarbone or something stupid like that. Better yet, the last thing he needed was to be put on medical leave at work. He’d seen it happen to too many guys already; he didn’t need to be the next one.

Soon enough, he cut a corner. It would add at least ten minutes to his walk, but it would also take the wind off him for those ten minutes. As he cut the corner, though, he rammed right into someone.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, I—”

“You weren’t paying attention?” a female voice said.

With the help of the ice in the air, he could’ve froze on the spot. He shook the flashback out of his mind as he took in the young woman before him. “Ren,” he said.

“Hi, Akihiko,” she returned the greeting.

“A-are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Good. Uhm… How are you?”

She shook her head. “I don’t have time for small talk.” And she walked past him, going in the direction he had just come from.

He followed her, forgetting all about the cold. “Meeting someone?”

“Job interview.”

“Even better.”

“Weren’t you heading in the other direction?”

“Yeah, but then I saw you, and I wanted to talk with you.” He took a deep breath. “Ren, I’m really sorry about what happened between us. About how things ended. It had been really shitty of me and—”

Now she stopped in her tracks. “Excuse me?”

“I said I’m—”

“No, I heard you. I just don’t get why you’re apologising.”

“Because I still feel bad about it.”

“It happened nearly four years ago now. Stop dwelling on it.”

“I know, but still…” He shrugged his shoulders. “It had never been my intention to treat you that way.”

She looked him up and down before checking her wristwatch. “Damn it, I really have to get going.” And she continued walking.

“Let’s meet for a celebratory dinner after your interview.”

“I haven’t even gotten the job yet.”

“So what? I know you’re gonna get it. They’d be crazy not to hire you.”

“Not if you make me late for the interview.”

Now he laughed. “Sorry, I just… I’ve missed you.” Huh. Maybe that was the truth. Maybe he could make himself believe it. Feel it.

She smiled at him in return. “Your favourite place is in the area, yeah?” She checked her wristwatch. “Meet me there in an hour.”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll see you then.” That was when he stopped following her. He checked his pocket watch—the old leather one, still working properly—to make sure he’d have enough time to get home and change before meeting up with her. “Oh, good luck,” he then called after her.

She simply waved him off to let him know she had heard him. Akihiko smiled and made his way back to his apartment. When he finally got there, he changed into something warm. He also made sure to bring an extra jacket, just in case. He never did get his other one back, after all.

He headed out, now making his way to the predetermined restaurant. It was another beef bowl shop. Not the same as Hagakure, but still just as good. Plus, it was one more place that kept him out of Iwatodai. The city was right next door, but it was still nice having a separate city centre to go to.

He waited outside the restaurant’s door. He wanted Ren to know that he was definitely there. After about ten or so minutes, she made her appearance. He smiled at the sight of her. She walked up to him, pursing her lips and nodding her head. She didn’t look all too pleased, which caused his smile to slip away. Shit. He hoped he hadn’t actually made her late for the interview.

“How’d it go?” he spoke up.

She paused before breaking into a smile. “I got the job.”

His smile returned as well. “Congratulations.” He opened his arms and she hugged him in response. “I knew you would.”

“Let’s get inside,” she said once she pulled away. “It’s freezing out here.”

With that, they stepped inside the restaurant, Akihiko letting Ren go in first. They seated themselves and ordered their favourite dishes. Until they were served, the conversation was nonstop. Once they were served, it was—Huh. It was a comfortable silence. They sat and ate in comfortable silence. Akihiko was comfortable with Ren when it was quiet. He wasn’t sure what other way he could put it through his head. All he knew was that this was a good sign.

This was his chance. Take two.

_Oh, and I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me_

_And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be_

_Right in front of me_

_Talk some sense to me_

(October 17th, 2015)

“Okay,” Yukari started, “explain to me again why your date from the other night didn’t work out.”

Akihiko shook his head. “I am not explaining it to you again.”

“Except I’m gonna need you to explain it to me again.”

“Come on, this is the first we’ve all seen each other in months,” Fuuka spoke up. “Do you really need to spend this time interrogating Sanada-san?”

“Uh, yeah. I need a much better understanding of his so-called dating life. I mean, he has been with plenty of amazing girls at this point. One of them should have been it.”

Ken scoffed. “I can tell you why none of them have been it.” The comment was barely a mumble.

“Don’t start with me, Ken-kun,” Yukari said.

“Hey, back off, he means no harm,” Akihiko said.

Ken shrugged his shoulders. “She’s just mad because she knows I’m right.”

Yukari shook her head. “Hate to break it to ya, but you’re not right.”

“Stop it, you two,” Fuuka cut back in.

“Fine. At least tell me what happened between you and Ren. She was so perfect for you, and even Mitsuru liked her. So, why did it end this time around?”

Now Akihiko was shrugging his shoulders. “I dunno… Guess we were just in different places with our lives. We wanted different things.”

“Like what, exactly? Did she want kids and you’re not ready for that? Or did you wanna get married and she wasn’t ready for that? I need more specific details.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “First of all, I am not ready to get married, nor am I ready to have kids. I’m not even sure I ever want to have kids.”

“You’ll feel differently once you meet the right girl.”

“Then I guess Ren wasn’t the right girl, after all.”

Fuuka nodded. “That is a pretty good point.”

Yukari huffed. “C’mon, Fuuka, I wanna go try these on.” She then proceeded to pull an assortment of random clothing into her arms and stormed off to the fitting room, Fuuka right behind her.

Akihiko pinched the bridge of his nose. “How is it you ended up getting stuck here with them?”

“I knew you were gonna be here,” Ken said.

He couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks.”

“Senpai…you are gonna end up with Nishioka-san again, aren’t you?”

He let out another sigh. “Y’know, I appreciate the fact that you’ve still been so supportive of her after all this time. I truly do. Despite everything that’s gone down, I seriously hate when Mitsuru and Yukari talk badly about her. I mean, they talk about her like she wasn’t once a part of our group.”

“For the record,” his voice was soft now, “you talked pretty badly about her for a while, too.”

He swallowed hard. “Yeah, I know I did. It was a bad coping mechanism.” He shook his head. “Either way, I don’t think I will be seeing her again.”

“Huh? Why not?”

“It’s been five and a half years since she left. I think she’s made it pretty obvious that she won’t be coming back.”

“I thought she said you two would just meet again when the time was right. Not that she would actually return to Iwatodai.”

“How is that supposed to work? I mean, what are the odds we’ll be at the same place at the same time?”

“That’s the point, though. When it’s meant to be, it’s not meant to be planned.”

“Then I guess it’s not meant to be.”

“Don’t say that, Senpai. Anything is possible. You just gotta expect the unexpected.” He grinned like he was proud of something. “Just think of it like a boxing match. You always wanna say you can anticipate your opponent’s next move, but that doesn’t mean you truly know what they’re gonna do.”

He chuckled. “I appreciate your blind optimism.”

“It’s not blind optimism. It’s the truth. Back during my school trip, I even—”

“Well, none of them fit,” Yukari said, rejoining them from the fitting rooms.

“Probably because you grabbed random clothes without checking the sizes first,” Fuuka said.

Yukari shrugged. “Oh well. Let’s get going.”

The two girls then led the way out of the shop, Akihiko and Ken following close behind them.

“What happened during your school trip?” Akihiko went on.

Ken’s eyes widened a bit. “Oh. Uhm. I forget what I was talking about.”

“Ken—”

“Just don’t give up on Nishioka-san yet,” he said. “I have a good feeling about the two of you. Yeah, Ren was great and all, but it wasn’t the same.”

“I think that’s the point.”

He shook his head. “The way you acted with Ren was nowhere near how you acted with Nishioka-san. Even the way you would look at Nishioka-san was way different. It was way better. You’re never gonna love another girl the way you loved her. So, please, don’t give up on her.”

“Why the hell are you so adamant about this?”

“It’s for your own good.”

“For my own good, huh?” He considered this for a long moment. He wondered about what could’ve happened during the kid’s school trip. Maybe he was planning something. He was pretty clever, after all. And Akihiko sure as hell wouldn’t put it past him. “Fine, I’ll take your word for it. Besides, I’m worn out, so I think I’m gonna take myself out of the dating game for a while.”

Another grin. “Good.”

With that, they picked up their pace to catch up with the girls. Akihiko ended up letting all three of them get a little ahead of him, though. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Ken had been about to say. _Back during my school trip, I even_—He even what? He doubted he actually forgot what he was going to say. Ken wasn’t the type to just forget important remarks like that. He was about to slip up about something, but… What? Hmm.

He shook his head. Maybe it truly wasn’t that important. Maybe he was just overthinking the entire discussion. He found himself doing that a lot more often, after all.

If Ken had had this conversation with him five years ago, he would’ve been completely onboard with it. Now, though, Akihiko was unsure how to feel. He was appreciative of the kid not ragging on…_her_, but… Well, that didn’t mean he still should’ve been under the impression she’d be back at some point. Almost seemed like the kid needed to get over it, too. Or maybe he was on to something. Maybe he was the only one thinking with a clear head. An unbiased head. Or maybe Akihiko was still just thinking way too much about everything.

For now, he would stop thinking about any of it. He would definitely stop dating, as well. Instead, he was gonna focus on more important things. Like his career, for instance. Focus on that and wait for life to play its course.

Wait for serendipity to give him the answer he sought.


	3. Haunted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron

_I am not the only traveler_

_Who has not repaid his debt_

_I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again_

_Take me back to the night we met…_

(September 22nd, 2016)

12:00a.

How is it he always found himself wide awake at midnight? It was like an internal clock. Every time the clock struck twelve, Akihiko would wake up and remain awake. It never failed.

He lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling through the darkness. There was only so much he could do. Call one of the others, maybe? He hated calling them this late at night, though. He always felt bad for waking them. Despite the fact that it used to pretty much be routine. Then again, it was routine seven years ago.

Wow. It had really been that long.

He shook his head before jumping out of bed. He headed for the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water before changing into running gear. If he was gonna be awake, he might as well make the most of it. So why not go for a run?

It wasn’t until he stepped outside he remembered it was almost October, and the air was starting to get brisk. Especially during the middle of the night. Not that the temperature fazed him, but the chill did catch him a bit off guard. He shook it off, though, and began his run.

He didn’t go anywhere in particular. As usual. Just ran aimlessly around the city. He soon found himself in the downtown area. He could keep going until he reached the outskirts of the city. He could even keep going from there, too, until he reached Iwatodai. Hmm. Or maybe he would just turn around and continue his run in the opposite direction. He avoided going into Iwatodai unless he absolutely had to. Usually upon Kirijo’s request, or because Amada needed him for something. Needed him because he was getting into some sort of trouble. Otherwise, his visits to Iwatodai were far and few between.

It took Akihiko a moment to realise he had stopped running amongst all his thinking. He shook his head and continued with his run, heading back in the direction he had only just come from. That direction brought him to the city’s shrine. He passed the place daily, but he had never entered. He had never been superstitious, but he was even less so now. And that meant avoiding shrines as much as he avoided Iwatodai. Hell, the last time he was in a shrine was just about…huh. Six and a half years ago. He continued gawking at the entrance as he jogged in place. _You’ve given me enough already_. He froze on the spot before shaking his head again. Where the hell did that come from?

He took a deep breath before moving on. This time heading in the direction of his home. He decided it was time to call it quits. After all, the chilly air must’ve been messing with his thoughts. By the time he got to his apartment, it was a little after 1:30. Okay. He had only wasted about an hour—maybe a little more—and he was still wide awake. Great.

He discarded his clothing as he made his way towards the bathroom. He turned the water in the shower on, letting it run for a minute before hopping in. Then he just let himself soak under it, washing away the sweat and taunting thoughts of—

He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing at them with the heels of his palms. Shit. Seriously, where the hell was this all coming from? He had been doing so well, but the damn shrine threw him off. Tch. He lifted his head under the running water, allowing it to wash over him until he felt as if he might actually drown from the inside. Then he turned it off and stepped out. He quickly dried himself off before returning to his room, collapsing onto his bed. Finally, all that running—physically and mentally—seemed to have caught up with him. Exhaustion swiftly sweeping over him, he looked over towards the clock on his bedside table.

2:06a.

Never had he been more thankful he didn’t have to work in the morning.

_And then I can tell myself_

_What the hell I’m supposed to do_

_And then I can tell myself_

_Not to ride along with you…_

Something was buzzing. It was buzzing, and it was close to his head. He reached his arm up and over and searched for the source. Damn it. He could’ve sworn he had turned his phone’s alarm off. He silenced it before lifting his head. 7:33a. Ugh. Yeah, he definitely needed more sleep. He wouldn’t get more sleep, though, because his phone was already going off again. He sat up and grabbed it. That was when he realised it wasn’t his alarm; someone was calling him.

“What the hell kind of trouble did you get yourself into this time, Amada?” he said.

“Uh…happy birthday, Senpai,” Ken returned the greeting.

“What?”

“You forgot again, didn’t you?”

“You know I don’t celebrate my birthday.”

“Well, you’re really gonna hate us, then.”

“What are you talking about?”

That was when he heard loud knocking at his front door. He ended the call, tossing the phone aside. He grabbed the closest pair of pants he could find, hopping into them as he made his way for the door. He opened it only to be greeted by Amada and Kirijo and everyone else. _Surprise_. It sure as hell was. Not a very good one, though. But he let them in and he let them get comfortable.

The others chatted as Akihiko brewed a large pot of coffee. More for himself than anyone else. Takeba and Iori took control of most of the conversations. Takeba talking about her travels and Iori telling stories of the kids on his little league team. Akihiko was only half listening. Hell, he was still half asleep.

“Are you feeling all right, Sanada-san?” Fuuka soon spoke up.

“Hmm?” Akihiko said. He swallowed the sip of coffee he had finally taken. “Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. Just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

Junpei grinned. “Do you have a girl over?”

“No. Just couldn’t sleep.”

“That seems to be a constant issue for you, Senpai,” Ken said.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“That’s what I said,” Mitsuru spoke up. “He insisted on being here, though.”

“And you let him?”

“Why are you avoiding the subject?” She smiled half-heartedly. “Amada’s right. You do seem to have a lot of trouble sleeping lately.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Work keeps me up.”

That was the end of it. Takeba picked up the conversation again, talking even more about her successful career. It certainly was impressive.

“So, I’m at the photoshoot and one of the other models is being a total drama queen,” she goes on. “She’s not cooperating with any of the girls and she’s not willing to compromise in any way or form. It was slowing down the entire day. So _Kirika_—”

Akihiko almost spit out his coffee. “Who?”

Yukari’s eyes widened. “Kimiko. She’s, like, the main photographer.”

He shook his head. “Oh. Right. Sorry.”

“What did you think I said?”

“Nothing.”

Mitsuru pursed her lips. “Akihiko…don’t tell me—”

“Don’t start. I’m not in the mood.”

“You’ve been doing so well.”

“And I’m still doing perfectly fine. Thank you.”

She let out a heavy sigh. “Is this why you haven’t been able to sleep?”

He shook his head at her. “I am not having this conversation with you. Not again. Either drop it or get out.”

She was taken aback by this comment. Rather than pursue the topic, though, she reseated herself on the futon. Silence filled the room. He could tell exactly what everyone else was thinking, though. They were thinking he had relapsed. And maybe he had. Maybe that was what last night had been about. It didn’t mean anything, though. It didn’t mean he hadn’t moved on. It didn’t mean he wasn’t over it.

Amada broke the silence. From there, the conversations continued as normal. This was one of the things Akihiko was thankful for when it came to the kid. Now he continued to stand in the background and half listen to what was being discussed. He half listened as his mind wandered elsewhere. Outside the apartment. Outside the city. To an unknown place. Wherever _she_ may be.

_I had all and then most of you_

_Some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don’t know what I’m supposed to do_

_Haunted by the ghost of you_

_Oh, take me back to the night we met…_

(September 25th, 2016)

Much to his dismay, Akihiko found himself in Iwatodai that afternoon. Of course, he had been called there by Kirijo. And, of course, she was running late and wouldn’t be able to meet with him for another couple of hours. So that left him with time to spend. Time to waste.

He started by going to Hagakure. He hadn’t had a beef bowl from there in well over a year, so he figured he was far overdue. There was only so much time he could kill there, though. Once the restaurant got into its lunch rush hour, he took his leave. He checked the old leather watch around his wrist. He still had at least an hour and half until Mitsuru would be free. An hour and a half… What the hell was he supposed to do?

He could’ve gone to Paulownia Mall but decided against it. If the lunch rush hour had just begun at the strip mall, then that meant Paulownia would be bustling with a bunch of—probably—high school girls. He didn’t need to get stuck in that kind of crowd. So, he headed in the opposite direction instead, exploring the city that hadn’t changed in years. If anything, it only felt emptier. Vacant.

Soon enough, he found himself outside Naganaki Shrine. Now this was the last place he wanted to be. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to walk away. There were far too many memories pulling him in. So, he did go in. And he sat down at a bench that he hadn’t seen in so long yet was still so familiar. _You know where to meet me_. He shook his head, remaining seated. He then examined his surroundings, his gaze landing on the old playground. Although, there was nothing playful about a seemingly abandoned play area.

Abandoned. That reminded him…

Akihiko jumped to his feet and left the shrine. He made his way through the city, not stopping until he arrived at what was essentially the other side. The abandoned housing development.

He searched the row of houses until he came across the one he wanted. A brick one. He walked around to the side of it. The window was still broken. Still left wide open. Once abandoned, always abandoned.

A rush of adrenaline began pumping through his veins. What had gotten into him? Why did he want to be here, of all places? This place had no meaning to him. No importance. At least, it shouldn’t have. Much like the shrine, though, it was calling him in. And so, he stepped closer to the perimeter and grabbed hold of the accessible windowsill. He pulled himself up, but before he could pull himself through the open window, his phone began to ring. He let himself drop back to the ground.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Good afternoon,” Mitsuru greeted him. “Turns out I was able to get out early. Let’s meet outside the old dorm, shall we? See you soon.” And she hung up.

Akihiko let out a heavy sigh. He glanced back up at the broken window before turning and walking away from it. This was okay. This was good. It was for the better. After all, if it was meant to be, he wouldn’t have been interrupted during his endeavours.

If it was meant to be, well… It would’ve been six and a half years ago.

_When the night was full of terror_

_And your eyes were filled with tears_

_When you had not touched me yet_

_Oh, take me back to the night we met…_

(September 30th, 2016)

He was sitting on the edge of his bed in silence. He had woken up to go to the bathroom, and when he returned… He could’ve sworn someone else had been laying in the bed as well. There had been a figure under the sheets, but it vanished before he could reach it. Now he couldn’t bring himself to lay back down. He couldn’t bring himself to look at an empty bed. So, he sat on the edge of it instead and—

And it was still pretty dark out.

Akihiko looked at his clock and let out a long groan. 6:13a. He had only slept for maybe five hours. If he was lucky. At this point, though, there was almost no reason for trying to sleep any longer. So, he decided he was up for the day.

He threw on the closest pair of pants he could reach before making his way to the kitchen. First, he started brewing a pot of coffee. Then he made his rounds across the apartment, tidying up here and there. It was still too early to go out and do anything, so he figured he might as well clean. Plus, his body was too sore to go for a run. It was a training week at work, and those weeks always exhausted him. Apparently not enough to let him sleep well, though.

Once the coffee finished brewing, he was quick to stop what he was doing to pour himself a cup. He took a few sips before his eyes landed on a drawer in his coffee table. A drawer he hadn’t opened in years. A drawer he always told people was only for decoration. He took another sip of his coffee before setting the mug down. He then stepped over to the table and opened the not-so-fake drawer.

From it, he pulled out a small music box.

_I had all and then most of you_

_Some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don’t know what I’m supposed to do_

_Haunted by the ghost of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

Akihiko sat on his futon with the music box on the coffee table in front of him. He studied it, every so often reaching out and grazing his thumb over the lock. _If only I could’ve gotten my childhood back_. Hmm. It was a shame he no longer had the key in reach. For more than one reason. Worse yet, he no longer felt connected…

He let out a heavy sigh as he sat all the way back. He ran a hand through his short hair and tore his eyes away from the music box to look at his calendar. September 30th. Only a couple weeks left until—

He returned his gaze to the music box, thinking about the night he had acquired it. By default, in a sense. She never tried taking it back, though. Never asked for it back when she left. Unless she had forgotten about it, but that seemed almost implausible. After all, she wore the reminder of it around her neck. Now he couldn’t help but wonder if she still wore that necklace, even after all these years. _I don’t need those memories_. Maybe she didn’t need them, but neither did Akihiko. Doesn’t mean he didn’t want them.

He really didn’t need them, though. He didn’t need to be thinking about any of this. To be reminiscing. Wondering what she was doing. How she was doing. If she was happy. Safe. Alone. No. He didn’t need to be torturing himself with any of that. Yet, here he was, suddenly thinking about all of it. Thinking about her. Again. Here he was, carrying the music box to his room and setting it on his bedside table where he could keep an eye on it. He truly had been doing so well, too.

He found himself thinking about the way she had clung to him the night she remembered her past. The night she told him the full truth. The night he knew for sure—

But that had been a long time ago. Things were different now. Things were…better now. At least, that’s what he tried telling himself. That he felt content. That’s the thing about feelings, though; he can’t convince himself to feel a certain way just because the other way may be unappealing. And feelings like that don’t change. They don’t just go away. Even when the people they’re for do.

She left. She left, and she told him they would meet again someday. And here he was, six and a half years later and still waiting for that day. How could he still be waiting for that day? He was supposed to be over it. He was supposed to have moved on. To have found someone…_better_—Tch. Damn it, he couldn’t even make himself think it. He still couldn’t make himself believe it. That there was someone better out there. But that didn’t change the fact that she was gone. Long gone.

Maybe someday was never supposed to happen. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he was meant to be just as alone as she was. Maybe goodbye was supposed to be forever.


End file.
